How To Have a Successful Valentine’s Day

I’ve started to notice in recent years that Valentine’s Day is a highly polarizing holiday.

There are two camps: those who are in gushy, vomit-inducing relationships who use the day to shout their love from the rooftops and those who aren’t.

There are sub-groups in the second camp: those who hate V-Day with a fiery passion, those who pretend to be happy for those in relationships/profess their love for their friends, and those who are barely aware that there is a holiday occurring.

I think I fall somewhere in the middle of all three of the latter.

The truth is, we all have an opinion about this day, whether it be pro, con, or focused apathy.

And I will say that it is good to have a plan going in to a holiday such as this one.  I therefore give you my tips for a successful Valentine’s Day for lovers and anti-lovers alike:

1. Eat dessert.  And when you DO eat dessert, eat it out of a plastic cup like a hobo.

This will make you seem nonchalant about the whole thing.

2. If your plans include eating the “world’s hottest wings” or anything else with the word “atomic” in its name, you might want to wash your face/brush your teeth/scrub yourself with a milk-soaked washcloth before you smooch your date.

Otherwise, he/she will be in for a world of hurt.  Trust me on this one.

3. If you’re going to cry about being alone, make sure you call a radio station to do it.

That way, the maximum number of suitors will hear your cry for love.

4. When dining out, make sure to order the surf ‘n turf.

Regardless of where you are dining.  And especially if you aren’t paying.

5. If you really want to impress your date, take her to White Castle.


Or better yet, up the ante with some help from Pizza Hut.

6. Two words: meat. bouquet.

Both romantic and a good dinner idea.

I’ll leave the double entendres up to you.

7. Don’t forget your beauty rest.

Dark eye circles are not becoming on any of us.

And because let’s face it, if it weren’t for Hallmark this would just be Tuesday.

15 thoughts on “How To Have a Successful Valentine’s Day

  1. Haha, these are fantastic tips! I covered that White Castle V-Day dining for a class during college. Gotta love that they get in on the action.

    Your dessert in a cup looks delicious.

  2. #3 CRACKED ME UP! I remember listening to the sappy V-day songs on the radio when I was younger and hearing those types of phone calls!

  3. I ate no less than 10 Dove chocolate’s yesterday and bought a box of wine on my way home from work just to really make it a classy occasion. We also watched Breaking Bad for like 3 hours, and nothing says romance like a middle-aged man’s attempt at being a meth distributor. And I gotta say, it was a pretty nice little Valentine’s Day.

  4. Added: If you’re going to drink almost a bottle of wine on your lonesome, make sure you don’t have a crazy week of work ahead of you that will become impossible due to your hangover.
    Otherwise, you’ve got it covered!

  5. Ha. No meat bouquet here. I think I missed out on something.

    I hardly acknowledge Vday. It’s not really my thing. However, if there had been more desserts floating around the office, I might have been in more of a celebratory mood.

  6. Love these tips! You should write a column. Seriously. I’m bummed I didn’t get a meat bouquet or a trip to White Castle. But I did pretty much take down a whole bag of peanut butter M&M’s by myself. And we’re talking the family bag, not the ones you get at the check-out counter. In retrospect, I should have eaten them out of a plastic cup to class it up a bit…Next year!

  7. god i love you.

    better yet, make a garlic-infused feast then try to make-out. you’ll end up calling into a radio show because you will be broken up with. and no, i actually am not speaking from personal experience on this one.

    p.s. i’m with you…somewhere in the middle. i think the sentiment of v-day is nice but also think the day is NBD (no big deal).

    love you!

  8. I got roses from the Hubby for V-day and I proudly displayed them on the front of my desk so that everyone who walked by had to see them. Evil? Yep! 😉

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