I’ve started to notice in recent years that Valentine’s Day is a highly polarizing holiday.
There are two camps: those who are in gushy, vomit-inducing relationships who use the day to shout their love from the rooftops and those who aren’t.
There are sub-groups in the second camp: those who hate V-Day with a fiery passion, those who pretend to be happy for those in relationships/profess their love for their friends, and those who are barely aware that there is a holiday occurring.
I think I fall somewhere in the middle of all three of the latter.
The truth is, we all have an opinion about this day, whether it be pro, con, or focused apathy.
And I will say that it is good to have a plan going in to a holiday such as this one. I therefore give you my tips for a successful Valentine’s Day for lovers and anti-lovers alike:
1. Eat dessert. And when you DO eat dessert, eat it out of a plastic cup like a hobo.
This will make you seem nonchalant about the whole thing.
2. If your plans include eating the “world’s hottest wings” or anything else with the word “atomic” in its name, you might want to wash your face/brush your teeth/scrub yourself with a milk-soaked washcloth before you smooch your date.
Otherwise, he/she will be in for a world of hurt. Trust me on this one.
3. If you’re going to cry about being alone, make sure you call a radio station to do it.
That way, the maximum number of suitors will hear your cry for love.
4. When dining out, make sure to order the surf ‘n turf.
Regardless of where you are dining. And especially if you aren’t paying.
5. If you really want to impress your date, take her to White Castle.
Or better yet, up the ante with some help from Pizza Hut.
6. Two words: meat. bouquet.
Both romantic and a good dinner idea.
I’ll leave the double entendres up to you.
7. Don’t forget your beauty rest.
Dark eye circles are not becoming on any of us.
And because let’s face it, if it weren’t for Hallmark this would just be Tuesday.